tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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