You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The power of my boobs compel you
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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