Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
