It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
