If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
