mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
