She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
