I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
