Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
