Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
