I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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