i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
