I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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