The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
