Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
