There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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