My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
