we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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