upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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