All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
