I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
