I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
