I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
