so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
