i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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