so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
