I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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