If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
