im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
