Pants 0. Shit 1.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
