I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
