I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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