If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
