He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i already hear my dad disowning me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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