I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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