Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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