Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
