I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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