Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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