I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
