I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
