I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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