Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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