goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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