i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
