This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
