there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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