Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
