Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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