So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
