I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
