i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
