the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
