the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
